You are always enough

Before I went on a trip back to my home country, I was so stressed that my body collapsed before I even knew that I was stressed. I sat by the river praying to the water that please give me the things I want to achieve before I go, so I have something to defend in case someone asks. The wind caressed my face and whispered, “Sweet one, if we give you what you think you should have right now, you’ll never learn to see your true worth, which has nothing to do with what you do, but with who you are. You are already and always enough.” There was no moment in the whole trip that my worst fear came true. Instead, I was showered with an immense love and support when I softened my heart and opened myself up to people I trust, just to realize how extremely hard I was on myself. Just to realize how my real strength doesn’t rely on the thick walls that I’ve built to cover up my trembling heart, but on my ability to hold myself when I’m not at my best, when my flaws are exposed, and when I’m vulnerable.

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Having experiences in being never good enough for school system and society standards as a kid is a destined event in my storyline (life), because it led me to spend several years after mainly working to unpack perfectionism, low self-esteem, fear of judgment, fear of being seen as a failure. With all the awareness I had, there still was a period of time I unconsciously burned myself out just to prove my worth to people, chase achievements because my brain never forgets the disdain on someone’s face when they look down to me, hide myself (and my gifts) away from the world because it’s safer when I’m alone in isolation. To the present I still catch myself sometimes wanting to be chosen, to be admired, to be remembered. I even had the tendency of constantly giving too much. At that point of my life it was not from a place of abundance, but it was the only thing I knew that would make people stay. 

I finally reached the point I can say it’s all a blessing in disguise. Because the Core Wound is also the Vocation. That theme has been circling around me and I’ve been in a spiral long enough to stop resisting or fixing it but coming into full acceptance. 

I learned a hard way to release control and surrender to the force beyond me. I came a long way to finally accept the fact that every wish I make from fears, not-enoughness, and the need to prove myself simply won’t manifest itself into existence. But it’s a form of divine protection. 

It took me many years to be okay with my flaws and embrace my imperfection. Of course there’s always tons of room to improve, but I no longer want to speed up my pace to fit into someone else’s ideas of timeline and expectation.

I used to feel embarrassed for trying because it shows the fact that I still have things to “figure out”, and perceived mistakes will be publicly seen. But what’s wrong with navigating life? Trying is beautiful. Experimenting is beautiful. If it shows anything, it shows your passion and your heart’s desires and I think it’s one of the most beautiful things in the world.

I’m okay (and it actually feels very good although I used to tell myself that it’s impossible) with honoring my own rhythm and getting better at things, one. step. at. a. time.

In knowing that life is not meant to rush, or skipped, but to be lived, fully.